The past couple of weeks

The past couple of weeks have been stressful at school. I take too much to heart, which leaves me so drained emotionally and physically that I have nothing left over at the end of the day for my personal life. I am trying to change some things. I have been working out on the treadmill several days a week. In fact, I just returned from a workout. I am finding that on the days that I do my treadmill workout, I not only have energy at the end of the day to enjoy my after-school time at home, but I am also less cranky and stressed, and better able to cope with the frustrations and aggravations at school.

I also had my three year evaluation on last Wednesday. Yes, I am on the down slope of my third year at BWYA Independent School. I wasn’t looking forward to it; I was stressing on how to express the bad and the ugly, while balancing it with appropriate amounts of the good. I spent an hour deconstructing my year with the Dept. Chair, Middle School Division Head and Upper School Division Head. Since I teach both middle and upper school Spanish, I report to both division heads. My “home” is in the Middle School, since I am a middle school advisor.

Anyway, I described my three years as “Satisfactory”. Now, perhaps the individuals in question expected me to smile as broadly as a watermelon-eating Black Sambo, exclaiming, “We’s fine! Yes Sir, Boss!”. However, I was honest yet detached in my assessment, stating that there have been aggravations and frustrations, and that the emotional and physical toll is often great in attempting to teach to the range of cognitive and emotional needs of the students. This is compounded by the fact that I find it hard to ask for help. Due to cultural and personality factors, asking for help shows a lack of competence. The Upper School Division Head really got this, and made some helpful recommendations. I also am a strong woman with strong opinions, and this is hard for my colleagues to swallow. I suppose a Black woman with strong opinions is doubly hard for some of my colleagues to stomach. In any event, I need to find a way to express my opinions without shutting myself down for fear of offending others.

It was a productive meeting overall. Additionally, it forced the Dept. Chair to be more transparent in how she determines who teaches which levels. I have expressed a desire to teach a higher level of Spanish next year. When the Dept. Chair explained how she does it, and why she’s been reluctant to having me teach higher levels - she’s noticed my stress level has been high, and my lack of follow-through on some projects (self-initiated, and not part of my role). And all of this time I thought that she did not believe that I had the ability to teach higher levels, which I had done successfully for six years at my previous place of employ. Hmmm. Did it ever occur to her that these things may have had to do with my father’s surgery this past winter, in addition to the way I was feeling in general? Me not following through is highly uncharacteristic. However, she never asked, although she had numerous opportunties to do so. Yet, during the meeting, she expressed that she was “worried” about me.

It’s going to be challenging to convince me that reaching out to my colleagues is a sign of strength and not weakness, since I have operated in this mode much of my life. I do, however, need to do less front-loading of my comments and opinions, for they do carry judgements, albeit appropriate some of the time, so that more people can hear my words, rather than my self-righteous indignation.